Well, I've discovered something about myself. Isn't it funny how you've lived with yourself longer than anyone else, but even after 36 years are still making new discoveries about your person?? Anyway...I have always known that I am, indeed, a morning person. It is my absolute favorite time of the day. However, by night fall I have shut down and entered my cave mode. I just want to be wrapped in a blanket and as close to sleep as I can get.
So, when I read about other moms and how much they love snuggling up with each of their children at night and talking for a long time at bedtime.....this may sound horrible, but....I shudder. By that time I can't get them to bed fast enough. I'm done. I'm spent. I'm tired. I don't want to hang out in their rooms forever. I adore and love my 3, but all day 24/7 with them is exhausting.
Lately, Thatcher has decided he wants to read to me at night. I love and appreciate that, but not at bedtime. The last time I stood on the ladder of his bunkbed for 30 minutes and listened to him read I thought I was going to fall out. I love hearing him read. I want to hear him read, but not when he should be in sleep mode and I'm in cave mode.
At first I felt guilty about it, but I'm really trying to pick apart this mom guilt stuff and make better sense out of it. Is it a conviction? If it is, then I need to take action. Is it guilt that me or someone else is placing on me? If it is, then I need to kick it to the curb. I don't have to be like "other" moms. I don't even have to be like the majority of moms. That is not how God created me. He created me to be me. This discovery is freeing. The weight of guilt has been lifted and I'm free to be me.
I also don't think it's a fair lesson for my kids if I always conform to who they want me to be. If I'm always doing everything they think I should for them, then they'll never know about being themselves. I want them to know how special and unique each of them are. Jack is a pleaser. He wants to do, say, think, and like the things that we as his mom and dad agree with. I'm trying to get him to understand that we don't have to like the same things. He's not quite there yet, but I tell him constantly that I want him to be himself. He doesn't need to act like his brother or any other kid. He's awesome just like he is.
God loves us just as we are- warts and all. I'm not saying to stay in any self-destructive patterns, habits, or behaviors. I'm saying to accept your differences and remember to take captive your thoughts and feelings and weigh them alongside God's word. I'll never be perfect at it and I'll still wrestle with mom guilt. But, God loves me anyway.
